its a lovely saturday morning, and i have nothing much to do.
so let's write some nonsense.
its amazing that ive been in army for a little over a year now...i was such a paranoid, cowardly little boy going into it all. and now, whether i like it or not, ive grown accustomed to this miniscule, detached reality, with its idiosyncracies [i once swore never to use this word argh] and moments of suspended logic. ive shown a side of myself i didnt know existed, and as a result, ive changed...advanced? metamorphosed? whatever you will. by nature i am violently resistant to change, but there is no stemming the subtle flow of ideas and paradigms that course into the mind from the reservoir of universal experience.
and so. whether i like it or not, im a different person now. not like how birds are almost totally dissimilar to their purported ancestors [dinosaurs la], but different in an evolution-like sort of way. by no means am i saying im a better person now [heaven forfend], although admittedly, it is the fallacy of man to think his current self superior to his previous incarnations.
what i want to talk about now, though, is a very curious thing i am experiencing now.
you see, i have long styled myself as an independent person, the hero of the epic that is my life, the protagonist of my own story. i have constantly engendered the belief that i am a solitary type of guy, and that i would require minimal companionship, friendship, etcetcetc.
im kinda at a loss for words here...no idea what im babbling about now. but id better see this thought through, before sloth and apathy overrun me once more.
what im trying so desperately to get across now, crudely and bluntly put, is that
perhaps
i miss all of you.
this particular type of longing is for me, quite excruciating, because its not one exacerbated by distance, by unfortunate circumstance.
its one caused by the folly of one person.
you may not know this, but ive been kinda hounded by the demons of regret and lamentation for a while now. it was my fault for being so detached in the past, so indulgently antisocial, so illogically confident in myself. when the invisible, unbreakable roots that are organically nurtured between individuals were being sowed and cultivated, i was inevitably somewhere else.
which brings me, rather disjointedly, to my next point.
now, its rather late for me to begin the process. because everyone has their own links, their own connections. and mine are still works in progress.
kinda hard to play catch up now. all i can do is watch.
another different point : looking at the experiences of the people in uni, i feel very jealous. all the things they get to learn! cant wait really, after being in mental stasis for so long.
alright ive said what i wanted. byebyeee
taika told you a secret at
6:59 PM
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just read some of my previous entries...so embarrassing.
taika told you a secret at
8:23 PM
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