ULCERPAINPAINPAIN
once again i forgot what i wanted to write. hmhmhmhmhmhmhm lemme think. no i cant remember.
melvin er where are you
okay bye.
taika told you a secret at
7:08 AM
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i have a stomachache
this time last year, i was studying for alevels. i remember thinking that, even though i had the motivation to do well, i had no clear sense of where my life was headed; of what my results could bring me. but of course, like any trained robot in the machinery of education, i toiled on. now, im in the army. so ironic that i've gained a hitherto obscured sense of clarity, a more focused sense of life.
the past 10 months have proffered me the luxury of reminiscence, of sweet self-relfection and serene self-reflexion. i suppose i have retreated into my solitary shell, lost within myself, to paraphrase a certain song. ive been able to observe the behaviours of others, and to ponder the repercussions and implications of my own.
ive had time for me.
a person i treasure intensely once told me that i am emotionally stable. perhaps the truth is, that i appear detached from reality and from feelings. the thing about being as solid as a rock is, well, you're a rock. cold, ostensibly unfeeling, uncompromisingly staunch. that could be true. i cannot emote well, and often my intentions form dissonant chords with my actions. the only emotion i seem to be able to display adeptly is rage, because frankly it is one of the simplest and purest feelings.
but the rock has other feelings too. many questions and issues have coursed through my mind, of which i shall extract a select few to be splattered on this virtual blog thing here.
my immediate future remains a maelstrom. my conviction to go overseas has so far pummeled its way through everything else, but now there is a lull period which has served to enervate it and temper my will. the reasons for my choice remain irrefutable, but unexpected variables have manifested. basically ill be leaving the ones i love behind. a few of them have already told me how much of a torment and ordeal it will be for them, and they happen to be people i love dearly with all my soul. 4 years truly isnt a short time. things change. people change. i will definitely change. im not afraid of change per se; im afraid of terrible, inevitable, depressing change. it will come, but i want to be around when it does. ive missed too much by being in the saf. ive missed being around with my family, with my loved one. going overseas? that would be infinitely worse.
okay im running out of energy and ideas so ill end here. ive written nonsense argh. oh well. hungry hungry
taika told you a secret at
9:06 AM
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