It's all hidden.

sigh. instead of writing a normal entry i shall just summarize what i want to say now, and you can just imagine what i wanted to say. here we go

1. army is very sian
2. i wonder what im doing with my life
3. im growing fat
4. army is very sian

looking back at the past 18 years of my life, i wonder if i have ever shown the true me to anyone at all. sometimes i get the feeling that there are many brandons who just switch places according to the people i talk to. maybe im like some chameleon, blending in with everything and trying my best to accomodate whoever i talk to. there are times when im not sure which of them is the real me. there are times when i dont even know if there is a real me anymore.
in a nutshell, thats why im afraid and thats why i must be extra careful in whatever i do. im the type of person who can do something without believing completely in it; worse, im the type of person who can delude myself into believing that i

okay you know what i just fell asleep. too tired to continue typing so yah ill just end here. goodnightttttt

taika told you a secret at 9:24 AM .

1.wadxZ ur hp number: 911
2.wad'll u do if u c ur gf/bf hugging a guy/girl?: why ask these questions? ill reply with random answers. playing guitar upside down while feeding a blue monkey with roasted buckwheat dumplings in a remote part of micronesia
3.ur fav song: stream of consciousness by dream theater, hysteria by muse, -human and devil's dance by metallica
4.have a gf/bf?: melvin er
5.have ur own room? yep
6.hates: ARMY
7.wad u doin nw: listening to music and trying to do smu apps
8.1 thing u cant live w/o: music
9.where do u live: yck
10.wad wuld u do if sum1 tels u he/she lyk u: dancing barefoot, surrounded by pink cockatoos and chinese muffins
11.when will u reject someone when he/she confess to you: the eastern spiderfly will only mate when the banana warriors of the savannah tribe have performed their tutu
12.where do u hangout: home and town sometimes
13.wad r u good at: stoning
14.wad iZ it b0uT a perSon u can't stand: typing like an ass
15.waD d0 u wAn: to get excused from army
16.a w0rd daT describe u: tired
17.wadxZ ur dream: buy a yacht and spend my life sipping cocktails in the middle of the mediterranean. some company would be welcome.
18:day/nite: night
19:sunset/sunrise: the crimson sunset
20:like a romantic bf/gf? melvin is never romantic i want to break up and go out with joshua phua
21:wad izzit b0uT de opposite gender daT attracts u: honestly i have no idea
22:r u an independent person: probably not
23: do u lyk skooL: if you mean army...NO
24.r u sTubb0rn: very
26.believe in god: yes
27.ur fav physical feature: MY HAIR
28.believe in fate: dont think so
29.get pissed off easily: yes. i seriously think too much about stuff sometimes
30.like ur parents: yep
31.r u a materialistic person: yeah
32.believe in love: maybe
33.hw many piercings u hab: none
34.will u get a tattoo: nah
35.smoke: no
36.club / pub : rarely. like once every 5 years
37.clubbing: black iguanas favour neapolitan pizza for its rich flavour and layered crust
38.will u forgive ur gf/bf if he cheats on u?: melvin does it all the time im just another concubine
39.will u expect ur gf/bf to forgive u if u cheat on him/her: never
40.have u been on a trip recently?: yes. to TEKONG
41:fav country: japan
42.r u impatient: yes
43.which brands do u prefer: fourskin, fragile, material boy, cocolulu. all the stupid dkny hugo etc clothes are really boring now
44.do you organise parties: no i just show up and cook
45.do u hab gd frens: if you mean friends who are good to me, then yes
46.do u think u r gd looking: doesnt everyone? im okay la. i hope? yes? anyone?
47.do u care abt looks: yep
48.do u think tt u r a gd stead: ask melvin
49.do u use vulgarities: yah
50.do u quarrel wif pple easily: depends
51.r u forgiving: maybe
52.do u get hurt easily: yeah
54.do u prefer girls wif long/short hair: really depends on the face and the hairstyle. length isnt really important
55.is ur hair colored: WHAT HAIR
56.r u a romantic partner: no
57.do u wear a watch: no
58.wad color clothes do u like: black, red, pink
59.will u choose love or $: really depends. love probably.
60.do u prefer slp or eat: eat then sleep
61.white or black: black
62.pink or red: argh. how can i choose man
63.fav flower: any flower will do
64.who you wish to receive flowers from: anyone. its the thought that counts!
66.fav perfume: some french thing
67.favourite type of music: it changes. lounge/chill/jazz/blues/alt/rock/metal
68.favourite past time: drums. music. stoning. going out.
69.fav drink: green tea/jasmine tea/watermelon juice/ice water
70.fav phrase: haha

taika told you a secret at 7:07 PM .

maybe one day i shall look back at my life and tell myself that everything was all for the best, that all the things i did were perfect pieces of a puzzle that finally put themselves together. maybe one day all will be faded memories, vestiges of a past that i seek to expunge from my mind. and maybe i will be able to honestly say that my emotions are genuine, that i am not acting out of calculation and thought but doing things because i truly believe in them. maybe i will even tell all and reveal the truth.

maybe.

sorry.

taika told you a secret at 10:18 AM .

mm JAPANESE RICE CRACKERS ARE DAMN DAMN GOOD. bloody hell theres one with sesame seeds its amazingly DELICIOUS shitshit i really cant stand it i dont care if i grow fat it was totally worth it.

ah say hello to private brandon chew the armoured scout. maybe i didnt really do much in bmt or i wasnt outstanding enough, but well here i am...ill live with it i guess...just in case, if i die, melvin er can have all my stuff.

okay. time for me to wax philosophical [or at least try my very best]. on second thoughts maybe not im too tired. will write tomorrow or some other day. byeeee

taika told you a secret at 9:55 AM .

hmm why is doodleboard not working.
argh the army has managed to suck the ability to write out of me. my mind, like those of the idiots who plan my bmt schedule, is blank.

nothing seems to excite me or drive me to feelings of immense emotion lately. results day came and went, pop flew past without much incident. [was that last sentence grammatically or even syntactically correct? oh shit my english is seriously degenerating] why is it that on both occasions, i felt like someone lounging around in some al fresco cafe, sipping latte as people walked by? ah i admit that that was a very nice image...like something out of italy...anyway why am i digressing here. seriously though, everything has been, to use that massively cliched word, surreal since last december. argh my life seriously has no direction. maybe thats the way it should be though.

speaking of no direction. being the voyeur i am, ive been reading other people's blogs and journals and stuff, and ive realized that many of my dear friends have their own distinct writing style. it might not necessarily be verbose, or eloquent, or slick; but they do possess a very personal and endearing voice they call their own. i think that its great that they have their own individuality, that they can establish an identity for themselves, even if this identity can only be found online. i guess ive been trying to forge an identity myself, but i realize that ive been largely unsuccessful. sure, i know all these words and terms and stuff, but whats new about using complex vocabulary or sophisticated language? knowledge alone is unimpressive, much like mugging endlessly for chemisty, biology, and physics - its how you apply that knowledge that matters. i find that i am unable to create an endearing style that i can call my own, and that ive been doing nothing but vomit out overused words and unoriginal phrases. i mean, yeah, i can write essays in school well enough, but thats not really writing now, is it? theres nothing quixotic, nothing really special about it. even now, look at this paragraph. anything unique about it? i dont think so. the only notable thing is that i am writing about writing...metafiction again. does it matter what you really want to say? or is it how you say it that makes in interesting? personally i think its the latter. who cares about the truth, really. just give me a stimulating work of literature or even an alluring piece of prose, and i will be engrossed. indeed...ill go think about this more...for now though i shall go watch tv and wait for my spaghetti bolognese.

lush 99.5 is really good by the way. go listen. so much better than the garbage that passes for music these days on perfect 10 and power 98.

taika told you a secret at 7:48 PM .