i wanted to spend one entire post scolding the army and insulting their incompetence and stupid ns stuff but then i think everyone knows about that already. and anyway im going to become one of those stupid incompetent idiots in two days. so. lets indulge in that useless thing called reflection, shall we?
you cannot imagine how fast the past 2 years have passed for me. from the moment i entered my JC, a naive, fat, boy with bad hair, and to the moment i left it a cynical fat boy with different yet arguably equally bad hair, everything seems a blur. as my class teacher once told me, time flies, and so it did, swiftly and deftly fluttering by. the a levels came and went, friendships were made and some broken, and countless other discoveries were made. but i cant believe that i managed to do so many things, and in so little time. sorry to be cliched, but everything is just so surreal to me right now...its like a holiday that i never went for, yet one that lingers in my mind.
with these memories comes the inevitable sense of regret. why didnt i do this, why did i say that to him, what would have happened if i didnt make those decisions? all these questions are counter-factual, and will only make me even sadder. yet i cant help harbouring them in my mind, thinking of what could have been. maybe its because my 2 years of education were filled with missed opportunities...sorry if i sound cocky, but i think i was capable of so much more than what i accomplished. in fact, besides studying and successfully weathering a series of examinations and tests, i did little. others took the chance to shine, to showcase all their abilities and talents. there were so many competitions and contests open to students, yet i didnt try to participate in any of them. all i did was play in my school band - dont get me wrong here, i dont mean to say that band was nothing; i had a lot of fun there and i think i really did something in the time i had there. but other than that? nothing. i was like, a static spectator of events. you know what the saddest thing is, though? if i had the chance to go back and do something more with my life, i know that i wouldnt even try.
enough of that. just as one chapter ends, so another begins. im going to ns in 2 days. okay by the time this entry is done it will be one day. another 2 years of my life most likely wasted doing next to nothing. ill be honest. ever since i found out about ns ive been bitterly resisting it, almost with an irrational hatred and angst. the army represents to me a group of dithering, idiotic fools who thrive on an artificial hierarchy in some totally fucking retarded show of manhood. its just like comparing dicks, but on a larger scale and much more intense. oh, with guns and equipment too. [large balls]. sorry if i offended anyone with that analogy, but thats essentially what i think. maybe i will be changed after im actually within the structure. the last time this happened, though, was my first months in JC - i was caught up in everything and just happily subscribed to things i didnt fervently believe in. but after that i realized that i was just being duped into blindly following the majority. i just grew sick of everything. not to say that i became antisocial, but i just reverted to my old self, my natural self. i think that this will be the case when i join the army. maybe for a while i will be supportive and everything, but with time this will wither away. or maybe with all my reservations and inhibitions, i will just reject all the propaganda outright and remain a stoic; an unchanging, unmoving person clinging to my beliefs with stubborn resilience. only time will tell, but time is running out for me.
ah i have no idea where this entry is going. i just feel so sad...sorry for exaggerating but its like going into exile. also, i think im afraid that despite my best efforts, i might be influenced and changed for the worse in ns. i dont want to become anything other than what i am now, and i definitely dont want to become some macho, uptight character. maybe its just a stereotype but thats the impression i get from nsmen..okay not all of them. but really, more than anything im scared. i wont deny it, because i really am. i dont want to spend 2 years of my life doing drills and combat training...thats not what i like at all...and i simply cannot imagine myself doing this. i resist all forms of change, especially when its for the worse.
okay ive lost the mood to write anymore. go see dare mo shiranai/nobody knows...its nice but kinda sad...dont go and meet the fockers...please...okay thats it. the next time i write here will probably be in feburary.
taika told you a secret at
11:48 PM
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